Maria’s Story

I had a very unique upbringing. I was homeschooled with seven siblings. My parents were, are still, very radical Catholics, conservative, whole nine yards. The difference was at least I had a stay-at-home dad and a working mom. I had three older sisters, so I had a lot of support when I started my period. When my mom gave me the talk, it was me and my sister at the same time in the car. It took her maybe two minutes and that was it. When I started I kind of knew what to expect because I had three older sisters who were already menstruating. I did feel like I was dying the first time. I didn't think I was actually dying because I wasn't that dramatic, but you know. Our family was kind of like, not necessarily “just suck it up”, but “pop an ibuprofen and you'll be fine”. Whether it was a headache or growing pains or period pains. So I think by the time I was 13 or 14, I was probably taking four ibuprofen a day during my period. That lasted all through high school. I got to the point where I was taking way too much a day.

My mom finally caught on to it. My mom's a doctor. She doesn't believe in contraception. Contraception was always a big no-no in my family. So that was never an option. It was never talked about, it was considered evil. Even if I wasn't sexually active, it was the act of preventing conception in any way that was unlawful. So in college I started taking Aleve and that worked for a little bit and it got to a point eventually where I was taking a lot of Aleve a day and I was told to take it every day of the week leading up to my period, every day on my period twice a day, and the week after my period. That's three weeks out of the month.

One time in college, I had started my period, and I was supposed to go to school and I couldn't get out of bed because of pain. I went to the bathroom and I ended up being on the bathroom floor for probably an hour. I ended up calling 911 because I couldn't get up. It wasn't until I got out of college two years later when I was 21 that I finally went on birth control. I was an adult and I was like, okay this isn't my mom's decision, this is my decision. So I went on the pill and that did work for about two years. And eventually my cyclical pain just came back. 

So I've been in this cyclical pain battle for like two and a half years. But those three weeks, before, during, and after my period, it was a kind of pain where if I picked up a box of something not very heavy, it would feel like I'm picking up 50 pounds. I decided to get the depo shot this year and after I got my first shot I bled for two months. I got my second shot and everything has been okay, but I'm still not sure if the cyclical pain is coming back again.

I even spoke to a pelvic floor therapist and she told me that it takes on average 12 years for someone to get diagnosed with endometriosis. And I've never been diagnosed with it, but I probably have it. I'm just scared. No matter what I do, the pain's gonna come back and I'll have another episode. I'm guessing the episode I had when I was in school was probably cyst related. I'm not sure. But that's the only thing that makes sense to me. And it actually happened again, I think last year, and I wasn't even on my period, but I knew what it was when I felt it. It was the same thing.

I am proud of myself for coming this far and I definitely am in less pain, physical pain than I was last year. But I’m not sure if I'm missing something by not having a period right now. I do feel like I've lost touch a little bit with my body in that way, but I'm also at a time where I feel like I've had sort of an identity crisis and I'm finding myself again. I feel like there's two sides where I'm finding myself internally or spiritually, but at the same time, I feel like I'm struggling connecting with myself and loving myself physically. Not in appearance, but just in how my body functions. I have a lot of work to do, but I've got a lot done.

-Maria, they/them, 23